I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
