Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she looked like the before picture.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
