so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
