There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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