I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
