When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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