I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.