I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.