My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
