His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
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I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants