some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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