My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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