I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
