there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
