are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
