imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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