Taylor Swift is so right about you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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