Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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