she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
