I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
