I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize