everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
