Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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