ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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