Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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