maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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