I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
