I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
