GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
