Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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