Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
