we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
