You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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