How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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