Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
