I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
