if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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