So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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