I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
