I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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