If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
