I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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