Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
