Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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