if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
