Please, let me fuck your mom
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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