If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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