My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
