I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize