Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
