Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
