I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
