I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
