i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
