glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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