I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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