HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
