i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
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Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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